he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
