I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
be right there i have to get my cape
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
