Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
