There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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