I think I died a long time ago.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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