saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
