im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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