I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
