When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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