No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
