i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
