Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
