I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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