It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
