my mouth tastes like poor choices
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
