Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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