me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
