They should really pass out barf bags in church
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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