I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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