yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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