So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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