And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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