I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
