Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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