Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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