I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
