New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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