Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
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Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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