Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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