i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
vagina is talking i cant
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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