M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
