The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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