You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
