We tried having a conversation with our noses.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
