I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my being single is dangerous.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
