No I am not eating basil off your cock
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
