I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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