Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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