I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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