Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
two words...techno handjob
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My breasts were aching with rage.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
