the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
