this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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