He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
