my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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