So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
