The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
