After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I will pee on everything he values.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
