Dude my mom stole all your condoms
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
