I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
