Where did you get a picture of my penis
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
