I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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