i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
