while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
