i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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