3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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