i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
