I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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