dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need to align my fucking chakras
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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