Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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