No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
