Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
