I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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